Preview of: Over the River, and Through the Woods
by dutch91701
Summary: A story of a family vacation to their supposedly sickly grandmothers house.


PREVIEW

OF

"_OVER THE RIVER,_

_AND THROUGH THE WOODS_"

BY

MICHAEL ATHERTON

Untitled

By Michael Atherton

Scene 1

[Scene opens in family room with two kids on couch

Mom: Alright kids, grandma hasn't been feeling so well, and we all know she isn't getting any younger, so…

Dad: We're taking a vacation to go see her! It may be the last time we see her outside of a coffin. [Chuckles

Mom: Greg! That's my mother! And for the record I wouldn't mind seeing your mother in a coffin either, at least she should be locked up.

Dad: Now that's too far! I didn't wish for your mom to be in an insane asylum; I only wanted her dead!

Daughter: All right already! Just tell me when were leaving so I can get ready to run away[Storms up stairs

Mom [following daughter up stairs: but I thought you liked grandma?

Daughter [stops; turns: The last time I didn't hate grandma was when my favorite things to do were sleep, spit up and say "gaga"[Storms away

Dad: Well this is going to be interesting

[End scene 1

Scene 2

[Scene opens on dad yelling up stairs at daughter on morning of trip

Dad: Come on! We need to get moving[Mom walks by carrying suitcase (Daughter can be heard coming down hall) [Dad to Mom Hey, Honey, have you seen Kevin?

Mom: No, I haven't seen him.

Dad: Hmm… [Daughter reaches bottom of stairs [Dad to Daughter You got all your things?

Daughter: No I only got half [rolls eyes you should be used to that. After all, our family _is_ only half-functional. [Walks off

[Dad stands at bottom of stairs, somewhat stunned

[End scene 2

Scene 3

[Scene opens on Mom and Dad putting things in trunk of car. Daughter in car already

Mom: Alright, we have our bags, Sarah's bag, Kevin's bag, plenty of snacks…

Dad: Car keys, wallet, drivers license…I think we're good to go.

[Both stand for a second looking around to see if they forgot something. Mom gets worried look on her face

Mom: Wait did you ever find Kevin?

Dad: No, I thought he would turn up eventually. [Somewhat worried/ shocked

Mom: Oh, wonderful parenting Greg! Were you dropped on your head as a child[Sarcastically says Oh, some creepy old man is molesting him, but He'll wander home eventually [goes off to look for Kevin

[Dad looks for Kevin. Mom seen coming back out front door. Dad can be heard

Dad: Kevin gets off the roof, and could you put your Game boy down for a second. I'd swear it was stuck to your hands…[walks towards car door as Mom comes up

Mom: Oh good, you found him. All right, lets go. [All get in car

Dad: Everyone buckled in?

All: Yes

Dad: All right, everybody ready? Next stop grandma's house!

Daughter: Great! To hell or bust [as car pulls out

Mom: Watch your mouth young lady!

Daughter: Sorry _Sister Margaret_! I didn't know I had to behave like a nunn.

Mom: Do you know what!? I've had it up to here with you. We haven't even left our block yet and you're already starting. I swear, next smart remark out of your mouth earns you an a-

Dad: Please! Calm down! Can we at least pretend we love each other for a few days?

Mom[Sighs Okay, but she's getting on my last nerve [Daughter smiles sarcastically, then returns to scowling

[10 seconds pass in silence

Dad: Finally some peace, and good news, now its only 2 days 11 hours and 56 minutes until we get to Grandma's!

[End scene 3

Scene 4

[Scene opens on family station wagon pulling into gas station, car parks

Dad: All right, I'm going in to pay for the gas. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?

Daughter: I'll go. [Starts out door. Turns back to Mom in front seat Do you have a razor blade I can borrow?

Mom: For what?

Daughter: So I can carve "help me" on the stall door like those kidnapped kids.

Mom: All right, you're not going anywhere! Back in the car!

Daughter: But I have to use the bathroom really bad.

Mom: I don't give a crap[Dad coming back. Gets in car with drink. Mom grabs drink, tosses soda out window. Dad looks shocked. Hands empty cup to daughter Here, go in this.

Daughter: A cup!? What the hell Mom!

Mom[As car pulls out Don't talk to me that way! Either hold it until we need gas again or go in there!

Daughter: But what if someone sees me?

Mom: Good lord Sarah! Nobody outside the car's going to see you, and Kevin's in his own little world back there. [Looks back at Kevin, Kevin pays no attention, Mom turns back around. Time passes, daughter glaring out window. More time passes, zipper heard, then ruffling noises, followed by a tinkling sound in cup. Pants zip back up. Puts lid back on cup

Daughter: All right, I have a cup-full of my own urine, what do I do now?

Mom: Just hold it until the next rest stop.

Daughter: Are you serious [Mom stares forward [Daughter sighs and returns to glaring out window Okay, it's starting to smell.

Mom: stop whining, I'm sure you-

Daughter: Mom, it's so bad back here, Kevin smells it. He's so zoned out, he probably doesn't even know where we are right now.

Mom: I don't care! Just- just throw it out the window or something. [Daughter rolls down window, tosses cup out window [Camera angle shifts to inside front windshield of a different car, cup splatters on windshield [Camera shifts to top view of police car turning on its lights

Dad: Uhhh… Sarah, did you, by any chance, check behind us before you threw out the cup?

Daughter: No…why?

Dad: Well there's a rather pissed off looking police officer with a wet spot on windshield, motioning for me to pull over.

[Pulls over, police officer walks to the window

Dad: Hello officer.

Officer: Yeah, hello to you to. [Dad hands license to officer All right, let me see if you can explain that little situation back there. I'm driving down the road and suddenly, a cup of…something, hopefully not what I think it is, hits my windshield. Now why is that? Can you tell me? Because this whole situation has me puzzled.

Dad: Honestly, I have no explanation. [Sighs, takes ticket. Officer walks back to car

End scene 4

Scene 5

[Scene opens in car further down road driving by a cow pasture

Mom: Oh look kids, cows[Kids look out window unimpressed Oh look they're playing! Wait…that's not playing, Kevin, cover your eyes! Look away[Kevin keeps watching Kevin! I told you to look away!

Kevin: Come on Mom, it's just the facts of life. It's not like-

Mom: Kevin!

Kevin: Fine[Looks back over back seat I can't see them back there anyways.

[End scene 5

Scene 6

[Scene opens at night, car pulling into hotel. Family opens door to hotel room

Mom: Oh, not bad. These rooms are usually so small

Daughter: All right, I need to pee in something besides a cup, Mom[Walks into bathroom, closes door, walks back out Uh, Dad?

Daughter: There's a body in our bathtub.

Kevin: Cool let me see[Runs into bathroom [Dad walks into bathroom behind Kevin, pushes Kevin away. Comes out of bathroom with hands on hips

Dad: Well, Sarah was right. There is a body in our bathtub, but if we can just wait until tomorrow night to shower, I think we can tough it out.

Daughter: Are you insane!? You have got to be kidding!

Mom: Now sweetie, calm down. Everything will be fine.

Daughter: All right, all right, fine. I don't care about the body, but I need to use the bathroom. [Goes into bathroom, tries to flush, toilet makes muffled sound, doesn't flush Dad, the toilets broken[Dad walks in

Dad: Well let's take a look inside the tank here. [Lifts lid of tank, looks inside, puts lid back on, walks out of bathroom Okay, we're leaving. There's another body chopped up in the toilet tank, and I really don't want to find out where any other corpses are stashed [walks to bed, grabs suitcase, walks out

End Scene 6

Scene 7

[Scene opens the next day with family waking up in the car

Dad: Good morning everyone. [Sarcastically How did you all sleep?

Daughter: How do you think I slept, I fell asleep with the seatbelt up my-

Mom: Calm down, we'll find a hotel with no murder victims in it tonight, and we'll all sleep like babies. [Dad backs out car and heads for road

Dad: Day two of the family road trip.

Daughter: Is the narration necessary?

Dad: Absolutely, it's vital in my quest to annoy the crap out of you. Just like songs [Starts to sing "_She'll be coming' 'round the mountain when she comes…"_[Continues singing

Daughter: Mom, make him stop.

Mom: Greg, honey, please, try to keep the peace for today.

[Dad starts humming "_She'll be Coming Around the Mountain When"_

All: Shut up!

Dad: All right, I was just trying to pass some time.

End Scene 7

Scene 8

[Scene opens on hitch hiker, view changes to inside car

Dad: Look! A hitchhiker!

Daughter: You aren't going to pick him up are you?

Dad: Oh why not? He looks harmless.

Daughter: You've got to be kidding.

Dad: come on, it'll be fun.

Daughter: That's it, we're going to die.

Mom: Oh, calm down sweetie. [Daughter rolls eyes, car stops to pick up hitchhiker

Hitchhiker: Thank you! Thank you so much! I thought I was caught for sure. [Family panics, hitchhiker realizes mistake

Mom: um…caught?

Hitchhiker: Well…erm…I'm in a race.

Son: Race? Homeless people race?

Mom: Kevin! S-

Hitchhiker: Oh don't worry, I've heard it all before.

Mom: So what about this…race

Hitchhiker: Well, us homeless people like to get out from time to time, and have some sport in the process, so what better way than a race?

Mom: Good point [Looks uncomfortable [Car zooms away

[End Scene 8

Scene 9

[Scene opens on family at gas station

[Hitchhiker gets out of car

Hitchhiker: Well, if you'll excuse me, I need to use the John. [Walks off [Family waits impatiently, Dad runs inside to pay for gas [Dad runs up to cashier, throws money down on table

Dad: that's on nine

Cashier: Sir?

Dad: Keep the change, have a nice day[Running off [Cashier shocked [Dad runs outside back to car Hurry everybody in!

[Family climbs into car. Car speeds off as hitchhiker runs out of bathroom, with toilet paper stuck on his shoe

Hitchhiker: No! Come back[Jogs after car Aw shit. [Turns and walks off

[End Scene 9

End Preview


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